Introduction to Kainos: The Mourning Cycle

1.Traumatic event
Emotional and physical shock galvanise the body and psyche In bereavement this would be witnessing the moment of death or hearing about it In abuse it would be the actual moment of the abuse happening or reliving and remembering the event.

An immediate reaction may be to scream, shout or wail. It is not usual to remain "stuck" in this phase as the sheer physical exhaustion will lead to the following.

2. Numbness
This is experienced as the loss of sensations and feelings and sometimes a feeling of deep depression. It has been described as "falling down a dark hole". As in all phases it is possible to get stuck here and be unable to J. Disbelief An initial reaction in bereavement is often to deny that the loved one is really dead Social influences on the person are likely to support reality rather than fantasy.

However, in the case of an abused person, she is first of all likely to deny an experience that blames someone loved. Even when other family members are told, they too may disbelieve that it happened. Until recently social influences and pressures tended to deny the reality of abuse.

4. Search
In bereavement this is the belief that the lost one is still alive and may be found in the street or some familiar setting. In abuse it may be a search for the good, idealised person who, it is imagined, will protect and look after the child.

5. Idealisation
In bereavement this is where the loved one s good side is remembered and idealised. In abuse the perpetrator is idealised, as described earlier It is not uncommon to become stuck in this phase. There is enormous social and cultural pressure to 'honour thy father and thy mother'. But the effect is to halt the mourning process and leave the person in a very unhealthy state.

6. Weeping and Wailing
This is the most commonly accepted part of mourning in the case of bereavement. Unfortunately many well-meaning people try to ignore or stop this process. In abuse it happens when the person can really let themselves feel the gravity and awfulness of what happened to them.

7. Raging anger
Often people are angry that someone has left them by dying. It is helpful to express this with someone they trust. Again, many well-intentioned people try to stifle this phase. In the case of abuse it can be a time when the child finally rages back at the perpetrator. It is possible to get stuck in this phase too, often in combination with the previous one - so that active anger is followed by quieter weeping.

8. Realisation of reality
- depressive/creative contradictions.
In bereavement the person begins to accept the reality of loss. Both good and bad parts of the person are seen as a whole. Similarly, in abuse, the person feels both the cruelty and the kindness of the other as a whole. But it is contradictory, and a depressive rumination may happen with times of insight and even happiness.

9. Remembering and Reminiscing
In both bereavement and abuse there is a time of recalling all kinds of experience including those which were previously unconscious. It is important to encourage this process and it is helped enormously if there is a good listener or therapist. (The use of free-association is a great help here)

10. Synthesis
In bereavement all parts of the lost one are internalised. The lost one lives on inside the bereaved person. In abuse the person may either be indifferent towards the perpetrators or see them as they are in the present (if alive) ie old persons who are not the younger persons who hurt them.

11. Moving on
Mourning is over and life is to be lived. Therapy changes to encouraging creativity and finally finishes altogether.